Time...

It has been about three months since I have written anything. I have been trying to think about what to write. I guess when you think it doesn't come out.
It has been a hard year of learning how to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, and what kinds. I let you know I am not doing a very good job at it. Yes, I have lost 103 lbs but I feel I could have done much better.
I have inner demons that I thought I have dealt with, I was wrong. I am mean, hateful, deceitful, angry, sad, scared, and alone. I have no one I feel that I can talk to about this. I feel like I am stuck in this cage, I can see out but no one can come in.
I have done nothing but eaten and eaten and eaten. I feel so digusted with myself. I hate looking at me, I hate being me, I want to cut open this skin and fly away. The pain I carry is not only mine but others. I want to fix them and make them right. I just don't know where to start.... Ok done no more.....

Scared...

I am scared. I am scared to be thin. I need to lose another 70 lbs. I have always been large. My personality is what I relied on to bring people to me. If I lose the weight and look better then what I have. My personality will not be the first thing they see. It will be my looks or atleast so I think. Having people look at me differently is very scary to me. I have never been pretty or attractive. It was my friends who captured their eye. I have always been the 3rd wheel. It's not like I wanna start dating anyone. It's the idea of people enjoying my inside and not my outside.

Sounds stupid doesn't it.

My Body

Ewwww... As I am losing the weight, my body is getting saggy. If it is not one thing it is another. I know that I will have saggy skin but it is dishearting. this battle is just that, a battle. If I am not fighting in my life at whatever outside influences are knocking at my door or in my face, I am fighting my inner demons. I have a feeling I am going to become anorexic. I don't know why. I am scared.
I have another problem.GRRRR I am working out 5 days aweek going to make it six or even seven. I am not losing weight, I am watching what I eat, which is not make to begin with. I am really getting bummed out about this. I am already a wek person, fragile and this is making it harder for me to be positive.Saturday I thought I felt pretty and sexy. I was wrong. I am stuck at 225, with flabby , nasty body, and the mind of digust.

Kimberly

January 23, 2010

Hello, It has been awhile that I have been on here. (I forgot my log in and felt like I didn't have anything to say.) I have lost 70 lbs to date. I am up and down on the scale. I know I should not check everyday, but I do. My life as been nothing but a number. My pants are a number, I wore a pair of size 16. They were tight, but not tight enough that I could not breath. So to make myself fell better I say if it was a stretchy 16 then I could feel better about myself. I need to get my ass out there and exercise. I know that when I start to do that I will so feel much better and look better. I think I have lost 70 lbs and still I don't get the look I want. (Mental thing). People say look at you, you look good, blah blah blah. I can't find the inside of me that says HELL YEAH, KIM.

I can't talk about. I don't know why just can't. I think I have a inner struggle that I have been dealing with since I was 5 yrs old. I started getting round at that age. I got bigger and bigger. I wish I could take a pic of me and get rid of the 60-80 lbs left and say hey this is you skinny. I do not know what it is like to be small. I don't have the funds to get clothes that fit the frame I have now. I don't know who to listen to to get this lower blob belly to tighten up a little, blah blah blah.

I guess It will all work out. I hope the world doesn't end in 2012. I would like to have maybe 5 yrs of being less then 200lbs lol.

Good Night All,

Kimberly

Doctor Appointment

I went and saw the dr and I weighed in at 269. WhenI went to the Doctor to be weighed for my beginning weight, the scale reached 298. So I have lost 29 lbs??? Yet when I weighed myself before I started the liquid diet, I reached my limit of 305 ans yet when I get on the scale it weighs at 264. So did I lose 41 lbs? This so fustrating. I hate it.

Sept 8 2009

Well I go to the doc on Tuesday. I am nervous about what he is going to say. I have had some set backs in my short journey. I have the support of some and others not so much. That is ok. I know who I can turn to and be able to talk to.
I have found that I am not getting enough protein to stay awake during the day. I have been so tired. I need my focus. I started this for myself, then I need to start do it. I have to understand that I cannot eat certain things and not keep trying I will just end up hurting myself.
I am proud that at soccer practice for my girls, I ran with them . Maybe not as fast or as long but I didn't stop. I play kickball not as good as the rest of the team but I am trying. I am walking the park, just wishing my shins wouldn't hurt.

August 24, 2009

It is the middle, a month that I started the liquid diet (July 20) and a month that I had the surgery (July 27); I have lost 32 lbs. I wish it was more, but I suppose if I would stick closer to the diet that is outlined for this procedure I might have alittle more luck. But the foods they want you to eat I don't eat or they don't like me, I mean each week gets better. I have lots of trial and error foods. I probably will for awhile.
If I still was not as depressed as my body and mind are telling me, I am thinking that my body would be kinder. I still want to stress eat, sad eat, etc., but I know that will just really screw me up. I need to make new friends; realizing that when I was married I never had married friends to go and do things with. My other half didn't want to come out. Now that I am getting to know married people, I am back to a single. I could fake it and be happy all the time, I just might start believing it. I can be happy despite my luck and my status of any kind, right?

I have started walking the park, I try and play kickball on Mondays for now. but good gravy my legs hurt for about 2 days, I hope it goes bye bye. I wish my lungs were a little better. I can't weight/wait to be able to kickbox. I need cardio to get me going but how do I fit in when my life revolves around my daughter and the things she does. I have to present and interact with her different activites we are in together, (which I would her to take it with me). She is all I have, I suppose she is all I need.

I should have measured myself to see if any inches are coming off, but that was something I didn't want to confront. It would be easy for a pic for all to see.
Thank you everyone

Kimberly