A Quick Hello...

Well I am three weeks out of surgery and very impatient. I am still at the 25 lbs in 3 weeks but I have not started working out yet so I am hoping that that will help. I am going to start walking with marilyn and going to get Amy also there. i want to say thatnk you to all who have said I look good this early in the game. I wish I could say the same. On Thursday I will be back with pictures of my monthly weight loss and look. I hope that each picture will change monthly. It starts and ends with me, right? So I guess I need to stop complaining and get in there and freaking DO IT!!!!
Kimberly

Falling Apart...

I feel like I am falling apart. I know that this is to be a new beginingbut why do I feel like it is the end. Not the end to an old life but life itself. The mania is so hard to deal with. Thinking and dwelling when I should be living. But I have never lived before. I still feel myself dying, i feel the urge to vomit, to purge myself from everything, everyone. I sometimes wish the mania would take me, take me far from where I am. The self destruction seems so close yet so far away. I feel that any minute could be my last. No not that way. Inside the pain aches and yet none can see unless I open that door, which I sometimes want to hide deep in the room away, away from everyone. For I don't know when the next time I will be able to breathe, breathe without pain, anger, despair....

To feel the touch, the touch of forever, forever free. I anguish in my body drains me, leads me to the end. The thought that you cannot give up one thing to keep me to love me.. I wonder about myself. I hope this works, I am tired of disappointments in myself, in others, in life.

I have made it ...kinda

I just want to say that the surgery is painful. I still hurt and things no longer feel right. I know I decided to do this. I am ok with this. I have lump where I think they put me together.lol I go to the dr on Tuesday and will go from there. I don't think I have lost any weight. I know I don't feel like eating, which I hear is ok. So you don't eat you don't gain. I know the pain of taking too big of a drink, and that feeling of food being heavy. This are things I don't like , which yes I try not to do. So I take one day at a time which is all anyone can do. Thank you, Tahnk you fvery much...

It is not that easy...

I wrote this Saturday... Well I thought that it would be easy, it's not I sat in the hotel room while Shania, Cierra and mom ate at Shoney's. Nikki says"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels", I hope she is right. But with my feeling this way I have to succeed, I will succeed! I still have that feeling of the food is there I need to eat it, no reason but just to eat it. Why do I really need to eat it? I will not feel better, it will not make my mood better, it will do nothing but bring me down because I ate it. It will not get me closer to my goal. Just because it's there I don't need to eat it. Is it because I can't have it? When I can't have something it makes want it more. Will my mind keep saying that when the surgery is over with? Or will I turn the other way and not eat at all, becoming anorexic? I hope these feelings go away when I start seeing results. I DON'T NEED FOOD TO MAKE ME HAPPY!!!!!!! I am crying for what reason I don't know. I guess because I have been a quitter my whole life I don't want to fail or quit... I know who the old me is and what I do/did.
Once again I am rambling, I am scared of changing I guess, I will no longer be invisible. I have been invisible all my life, what do I do when I am noticed. That scares me. I guess it is like an alcoholic... one day at a time.
Tomorrow is the big day, I'll be home Tuesday. Thanks to everyone in my corner. Luv to all.
Kimber

PS

I am down to abt 290. I am hoping to aleast drop another 5-10 lbs before Monday.

Heading to Tennessee..

Well we are taking Shania home about in the morning about 8am. We are going to take the scenic drive well sorta; we are going to see Superman and whatever else comes about. A 6 hour road trip, the time you drop by a gas station to tinkle, they ask, you ask, they say yes. When they go for Shoney's breakfast, I will be staying in the hotel sleeping or dancing, not thinking abt food. (IE. Shoney's Breakfast bar... ) 2 more days...Let you know how I feel after surgery. So wish me luck and talk to you on Wednesday. I love the link above, makes me wanna dance.

Pissed and sad.. what a combo...

I am pissed because everything that could go wrong will go wrong, has gone wrong. I don't talk abt any of it because it starts and ends with me bitching. What is it that I have to bitch about. Nothing really, except that my desktop is acting stupid and on my laptop something as been taken off the computer so of course that doesn't work. I wonder why did I have to have the the nice gene. Hell, I can't even say no after being crapped on. Talking in general not about one person.
I have not had solid food in FOUR days, FOUR DAYS. It wouldn't be so bad if everything didn't revolve around, because it does. Right now it does. I don't know.
I have been telling myself the heck with it. Then I look up, at the pictures I took of myself. Is this what I want to look like or keep getting bigger? NO!!! forgive me I am throwing random thoughts. This is why I started this bloggin thing so I could vent release what I would through food. I think I am at the point where is there left to go? No where, no where but down.
I have 3 days left. I need to get out dance in the rain, walk, talk, sing anything to keep me going till Monday. The weekends are the hardest for me. Ok I think I have gotten everythign and nothing out in this blog.

KImBEr