Time...

It has been about three months since I have written anything. I have been trying to think about what to write. I guess when you think it doesn't come out.
It has been a hard year of learning how to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, and what kinds. I let you know I am not doing a very good job at it. Yes, I have lost 103 lbs but I feel I could have done much better.
I have inner demons that I thought I have dealt with, I was wrong. I am mean, hateful, deceitful, angry, sad, scared, and alone. I have no one I feel that I can talk to about this. I feel like I am stuck in this cage, I can see out but no one can come in.
I have done nothing but eaten and eaten and eaten. I feel so digusted with myself. I hate looking at me, I hate being me, I want to cut open this skin and fly away. The pain I carry is not only mine but others. I want to fix them and make them right. I just don't know where to start.... Ok done no more.....

Scared...

I am scared. I am scared to be thin. I need to lose another 70 lbs. I have always been large. My personality is what I relied on to bring people to me. If I lose the weight and look better then what I have. My personality will not be the first thing they see. It will be my looks or atleast so I think. Having people look at me differently is very scary to me. I have never been pretty or attractive. It was my friends who captured their eye. I have always been the 3rd wheel. It's not like I wanna start dating anyone. It's the idea of people enjoying my inside and not my outside.

Sounds stupid doesn't it.

My Body

Ewwww... As I am losing the weight, my body is getting saggy. If it is not one thing it is another. I know that I will have saggy skin but it is dishearting. this battle is just that, a battle. If I am not fighting in my life at whatever outside influences are knocking at my door or in my face, I am fighting my inner demons. I have a feeling I am going to become anorexic. I don't know why. I am scared.
I have another problem.GRRRR I am working out 5 days aweek going to make it six or even seven. I am not losing weight, I am watching what I eat, which is not make to begin with. I am really getting bummed out about this. I am already a wek person, fragile and this is making it harder for me to be positive.Saturday I thought I felt pretty and sexy. I was wrong. I am stuck at 225, with flabby , nasty body, and the mind of digust.

Kimberly

January 23, 2010

Hello, It has been awhile that I have been on here. (I forgot my log in and felt like I didn't have anything to say.) I have lost 70 lbs to date. I am up and down on the scale. I know I should not check everyday, but I do. My life as been nothing but a number. My pants are a number, I wore a pair of size 16. They were tight, but not tight enough that I could not breath. So to make myself fell better I say if it was a stretchy 16 then I could feel better about myself. I need to get my ass out there and exercise. I know that when I start to do that I will so feel much better and look better. I think I have lost 70 lbs and still I don't get the look I want. (Mental thing). People say look at you, you look good, blah blah blah. I can't find the inside of me that says HELL YEAH, KIM.

I can't talk about. I don't know why just can't. I think I have a inner struggle that I have been dealing with since I was 5 yrs old. I started getting round at that age. I got bigger and bigger. I wish I could take a pic of me and get rid of the 60-80 lbs left and say hey this is you skinny. I do not know what it is like to be small. I don't have the funds to get clothes that fit the frame I have now. I don't know who to listen to to get this lower blob belly to tighten up a little, blah blah blah.

I guess It will all work out. I hope the world doesn't end in 2012. I would like to have maybe 5 yrs of being less then 200lbs lol.

Good Night All,

Kimberly