Sunday, July 26, 2009

It is not that easy...

I wrote this Saturday... Well I thought that it would be easy, it's not I sat in the hotel room while Shania, Cierra and mom ate at Shoney's. Nikki says"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels", I hope she is right. But with my feeling this way I have to succeed, I will succeed! I still have that feeling of the food is there I need to eat it, no reason but just to eat it. Why do I really need to eat it? I will not feel better, it will not make my mood better, it will do nothing but bring me down because I ate it. It will not get me closer to my goal. Just because it's there I don't need to eat it. Is it because I can't have it? When I can't have something it makes want it more. Will my mind keep saying that when the surgery is over with? Or will I turn the other way and not eat at all, becoming anorexic? I hope these feelings go away when I start seeing results. I DON'T NEED FOOD TO MAKE ME HAPPY!!!!!!! I am crying for what reason I don't know. I guess because I have been a quitter my whole life I don't want to fail or quit... I know who the old me is and what I do/did.
Once again I am rambling, I am scared of changing I guess, I will no longer be invisible. I have been invisible all my life, what do I do when I am noticed. That scares me. I guess it is like an alcoholic... one day at a time.
Tomorrow is the big day, I'll be home Tuesday. Thanks to everyone in my corner. Luv to all.

Friday, July 24, 2009


I am down to abt 290. I am hoping to aleast drop another 5-10 lbs before Monday.

Heading to Tennessee..

Well we are taking Shania home about in the morning about 8am. We are going to take the scenic drive well sorta; we are going to see Superman and whatever else comes about. A 6 hour road trip, the time you drop by a gas station to tinkle, they ask, you ask, they say yes. When they go for Shoney's breakfast, I will be staying in the hotel sleeping or dancing, not thinking abt food. (IE. Shoney's Breakfast bar... ) 2 more days...Let you know how I feel after surgery. So wish me luck and talk to you on Wednesday. I love the link above, makes me wanna dance.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Pissed and sad.. what a combo...

I am pissed because everything that could go wrong will go wrong, has gone wrong. I don't talk abt any of it because it starts and ends with me bitching. What is it that I have to bitch about. Nothing really, except that my desktop is acting stupid and on my laptop something as been taken off the computer so of course that doesn't work. I wonder why did I have to have the the nice gene. Hell, I can't even say no after being crapped on. Talking in general not about one person.
I have not had solid food in FOUR days, FOUR DAYS. It wouldn't be so bad if everything didn't revolve around, because it does. Right now it does. I don't know.
I have been telling myself the heck with it. Then I look up, at the pictures I took of myself. Is this what I want to look like or keep getting bigger? NO!!! forgive me I am throwing random thoughts. This is why I started this bloggin thing so I could vent release what I would through food. I think I am at the point where is there left to go? No where, no where but down.
I have 3 days left. I need to get out dance in the rain, walk, talk, sing anything to keep me going till Monday. The weekends are the hardest for me. Ok I think I have gotten everythign and nothing out in this blog.


Monday, July 20, 2009

The First Day...Liquids

Well.....The first day is not too bad. I think I can do this. I get hunger pains. But nothing I can't handle. I took my first "biggest loser-like " pictures. I never realized that I looked, THAT BAD! How did I go through the last few years looking that way. No wonder I hated trying on clothes, loving on my husband, playing with my daughter, etc. I am going to be brave and put them up!!!!. It's one of MY first steps to healing.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Final Countdown

Well since I found out that I was excepted to have the bypass, I have been semi gorging out on food. I gotta tell you have been sick of eating. So I don't understand how I let myself get this way. It might have been when my life started circling around my little girl, the depression was getting worse, who the heck knows.
Any way, I don't understand how people can gorge themselves everyday. The more I eat the worse I feel. I am starting to feel bad every time I eat (gorge); which is the way I need my mind to think, right? I DON'T EAT LIVE TO EAT, I EAT TO LIVE. I get to go to another dietary class next Wednesday, I am excited. I want to learn how to eat. Eat right, eat healthy, to give my body the good things. I am so excited yet so scared. I filled out a living will. You never know. When my number is called it is time. Thanks for listening.


Wednesday, July 15, 2009

My first post...

The first 4 years of my life on earth I was a normal size child. Then I turned 5 years old and started school. I also started to gain weight. I don't know why nor do I remember much of that part of my life. I have struggled with my weight for 19 years. I am 34 years old, old I mean old. I can't run without my knee, ankle, back, and heart hurting. Clothes that were a gift, I can't fit. I can get them up to my knees. That is a size 18. I am scared to know in a year what my size is. I figure I am about double. In one year I let myself expand that big. I don't know how I did that. It might have been a change in job, a relationship that was on the rocks before the I do's were said, the loss of friendships, and the depression that has control me for 21 years and still has a tight hold. I know that I am tired, tired of living like this. I have tried for 21 years to try and lose the weight by diet and exercise, only to fail. THIS TIME I WILL NOT FAIL!
On July 27, 2009, I am going in for Roux-En Gastric Bypass. I am not at all scared, more relieved that I get a second on life. A life that I can live. I better way of everything. I begin my liquid diet on July 20, 2009, to help strink my liver. I know that even though it will be for a week, 7 days, 158 hours, well you get the point; this is going to be a hard first step. After surgery, I will no longer be able to gorge on food just because, or because I am depressed, or any other reason I have.
In high school, I was always bigger then my friends, and secretly despised all those around me. I was bulimic in high school but never anorexic because I love food. I did things unhealthy for my body , my mind, my soul just so I would be noticed. Hopefully looked at beyond the fat that laid ahead.(chuckle) I lost my values, my friends, my self.
At 34, I still hide who I am because I don't konw who I am. I make fun of myself so others don't, I use myself as a joke, I feel like one. My weight has kept me from so many things in life, an education, a healthy relationship with anyone. I have a beautiful little girl that if I don't fix myself and help her make good choices then she will travel down the same road. she is alot like me but so much more. Her eyes dance, her smile brightens my day, I love her so dearly. I don't want to leave her motherless. I am going to post a picture of my on July 20, in the same type of clothing that the biggest losers wears. That will be a big step for me in realizing just how big I am and the fight ahead. I am ready and willing to take that step, not only for myself but for the love of my life, Cierra Belle.
I don't usually put my life for the world to see but if I can help someone make a difference in their life; I will bare all. I will no longer have nothing to hide or hide from. My demons will no longer control me. I will finally control my life.