My first post...

The first 4 years of my life on earth I was a normal size child. Then I turned 5 years old and started school. I also started to gain weight. I don't know why nor do I remember much of that part of my life. I have struggled with my weight for 19 years. I am 34 years old, old I mean old. I can't run without my knee, ankle, back, and heart hurting. Clothes that were a gift, I can't fit. I can get them up to my knees. That is a size 18. I am scared to know in a year what my size is. I figure I am about double. In one year I let myself expand that big. I don't know how I did that. It might have been a change in job, a relationship that was on the rocks before the I do's were said, the loss of friendships, and the depression that has control me for 21 years and still has a tight hold. I know that I am tired, tired of living like this. I have tried for 21 years to try and lose the weight by diet and exercise, only to fail. THIS TIME I WILL NOT FAIL!
On July 27, 2009, I am going in for Roux-En Gastric Bypass. I am not at all scared, more relieved that I get a second on life. A life that I can live. I better way of everything. I begin my liquid diet on July 20, 2009, to help strink my liver. I know that even though it will be for a week, 7 days, 158 hours, well you get the point; this is going to be a hard first step. After surgery, I will no longer be able to gorge on food just because, or because I am depressed, or any other reason I have.
In high school, I was always bigger then my friends, and secretly despised all those around me. I was bulimic in high school but never anorexic because I love food. I did things unhealthy for my body , my mind, my soul just so I would be noticed. Hopefully looked at beyond the fat that laid ahead.(chuckle) I lost my values, my friends, my self.
At 34, I still hide who I am because I don't konw who I am. I make fun of myself so others don't, I use myself as a joke, I feel like one. My weight has kept me from so many things in life, an education, a healthy relationship with anyone. I have a beautiful little girl that if I don't fix myself and help her make good choices then she will travel down the same road. she is alot like me but so much more. Her eyes dance, her smile brightens my day, I love her so dearly. I don't want to leave her motherless. I am going to post a picture of my on July 20, in the same type of clothing that the biggest losers wears. That will be a big step for me in realizing just how big I am and the fight ahead. I am ready and willing to take that step, not only for myself but for the love of my life, Cierra Belle.
I don't usually put my life for the world to see but if I can help someone make a difference in their life; I will bare all. I will no longer have nothing to hide or hide from. My demons will no longer control me. I will finally control my life.