Monday, August 24, 2009

August 24, 2009

It is the middle, a month that I started the liquid diet (July 20) and a month that I had the surgery (July 27); I have lost 32 lbs. I wish it was more, but I suppose if I would stick closer to the diet that is outlined for this procedure I might have alittle more luck. But the foods they want you to eat I don't eat or they don't like me, I mean each week gets better. I have lots of trial and error foods. I probably will for awhile.
If I still was not as depressed as my body and mind are telling me, I am thinking that my body would be kinder. I still want to stress eat, sad eat, etc., but I know that will just really screw me up. I need to make new friends; realizing that when I was married I never had married friends to go and do things with. My other half didn't want to come out. Now that I am getting to know married people, I am back to a single. I could fake it and be happy all the time, I just might start believing it. I can be happy despite my luck and my status of any kind, right?

I have started walking the park, I try and play kickball on Mondays for now. but good gravy my legs hurt for about 2 days, I hope it goes bye bye. I wish my lungs were a little better. I can't weight/wait to be able to kickbox. I need cardio to get me going but how do I fit in when my life revolves around my daughter and the things she does. I have to present and interact with her different activites we are in together, (which I would her to take it with me). She is all I have, I suppose she is all I need.

I should have measured myself to see if any inches are coming off, but that was something I didn't want to confront. It would be easy for a pic for all to see.
Thank you everyone


Sunday, August 16, 2009

A Quick Hello...

Well I am three weeks out of surgery and very impatient. I am still at the 25 lbs in 3 weeks but I have not started working out yet so I am hoping that that will help. I am going to start walking with marilyn and going to get Amy also there. i want to say thatnk you to all who have said I look good this early in the game. I wish I could say the same. On Thursday I will be back with pictures of my monthly weight loss and look. I hope that each picture will change monthly. It starts and ends with me, right? So I guess I need to stop complaining and get in there and freaking DO IT!!!!

Friday, August 7, 2009

Falling Apart...

I feel like I am falling apart. I know that this is to be a new beginingbut why do I feel like it is the end. Not the end to an old life but life itself. The mania is so hard to deal with. Thinking and dwelling when I should be living. But I have never lived before. I still feel myself dying, i feel the urge to vomit, to purge myself from everything, everyone. I sometimes wish the mania would take me, take me far from where I am. The self destruction seems so close yet so far away. I feel that any minute could be my last. No not that way. Inside the pain aches and yet none can see unless I open that door, which I sometimes want to hide deep in the room away, away from everyone. For I don't know when the next time I will be able to breathe, breathe without pain, anger, despair....

To feel the touch, the touch of forever, forever free. I anguish in my body drains me, leads me to the end. The thought that you cannot give up one thing to keep me to love me.. I wonder about myself. I hope this works, I am tired of disappointments in myself, in others, in life.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

I have made it ...kinda

I just want to say that the surgery is painful. I still hurt and things no longer feel right. I know I decided to do this. I am ok with this. I have lump where I think they put me I go to the dr on Tuesday and will go from there. I don't think I have lost any weight. I know I don't feel like eating, which I hear is ok. So you don't eat you don't gain. I know the pain of taking too big of a drink, and that feeling of food being heavy. This are things I don't like , which yes I try not to do. So I take one day at a time which is all anyone can do. Thank you, Tahnk you fvery much...