Falling Apart...

I feel like I am falling apart. I know that this is to be a new beginingbut why do I feel like it is the end. Not the end to an old life but life itself. The mania is so hard to deal with. Thinking and dwelling when I should be living. But I have never lived before. I still feel myself dying, i feel the urge to vomit, to purge myself from everything, everyone. I sometimes wish the mania would take me, take me far from where I am. The self destruction seems so close yet so far away. I feel that any minute could be my last. No not that way. Inside the pain aches and yet none can see unless I open that door, which I sometimes want to hide deep in the room away, away from everyone. For I don't know when the next time I will be able to breathe, breathe without pain, anger, despair....

To feel the touch, the touch of forever, forever free. I anguish in my body drains me, leads me to the end. The thought that you cannot give up one thing to keep me to love me.. I wonder about myself. I hope this works, I am tired of disappointments in myself, in others, in life.